To Relive One Moment
by starryjen
Summary: What if Ray could relive just one moment, which one would he choose?  And if Neela could do the same, what would she choose? RayNeela
1. Ray's POV

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER. **

* * *

Looking back on my life, I remember the good times, I recall the painful times, and they ask, my grandchildren do, what was the best time? What's the one memory I never want to forget? If I could live one moment again which would it be?

They look up at me with eager eyes, was it when I met their grandma, my wife? Was it when their mom was born? Was it when I became a doctor? Was it standing in front of a crowd on a stage?

And I look at those gorgeous faces, who look like their mother at the same age and I think I can't tell them the truth, they're too young to understand. It's not the big things you want to hold onto, to never forget, its the small moments, a few minutes from a certain day, that you would never record in a journal, or write on a calendar, or put in a photo album, that mean the most.

When I think of that question, the possibility of reliving just one moment, there are so many candidates, but if it's just a case of reliving the past not rewriting it, it would have to be one that there's no record of, no photos, no video, and there's only one moment that stands out, one moment I think back to, one moment where I think the world couldn't have been more perfect.

A snowy night in January, I hate to imagine how many years ago now, and I pulled my car up outside her apartment, we were laughing, joking like old times and I didn't want to say goodnight. I took a risk and I grabbed her hand as she was about to leave. I slowly leant towards her, waiting for her to pull away, but this time she didn't. I've never felt anything so exquisite as the touch of my lips on hers. I still expected her to run but she didn't and I moved slightly closer, letting go of all my fears, my hand entwined in the silky, smoothness of her hair, and my tongue danced with hers in her mouth. The white flakes of snow continued to fall all around us, shielding us from prying eyes. That's all it was, a kiss. But I hold onto that memory so tightly, I don't ever want to forget it, and if I could go back and be there again, I would in an instant. That one kiss was the start of so much. I've got so many happy memories, so much to be thankful for, but for those ten minutes my life was more perfect than it's ever been.

I look down at their faces again, and I wonder if this is something they should know, if it's important to me, perhaps they should. And I wonder, if she was asked the same question, what she replied.


	2. Neela's POV

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER.**

**Author's note: If I'm honest when I wrote the first part of this, the thought in my mind was that Ray was married to someone other than Neela, and that she was the one who got away. Your reviews made me see that I was wrong, that he could have spent the rest of his life with her. A few of you asked for a follow up from Neela's POV, I've known since then what her ultimate memory would be, but it was only last night I realised the context. I have a feeling it's not what you were asking for but I hope you like it.**

* * *

_My dearest Ray_

_What's the one memory I never want to forget? If I could live one moment again which would it be? Our grandchildren are too young to see the irony in what they ask, too young for me to say that I'm slowly forgetting them all. You and I, we've both seen the signs a hundred times before, the people who don't know who they are, where they've been or why they're there, I recognise the signs and I know you do too. I know you're not ready to accept it yet, but I also know that if I don't admit to it now, the chances are I'll forget that there's anything to admit._

_It's happening more and more frequently, I'll be somewhere and have no recollection of how I got there, what I'm doing. I'll look at a face and have no idea who it is or what they mean to me. I'm dreading the day when I look into your eyes, shining with love, and I don't know who you are, or why you love me. The moment when you mean no more to me than any other face in a crowd. It'll make no difference to me I know, but it will to you. I need you to know that whatever I say, whatever I do, you will be the one I've always loved and will always love, even when I no longer know what love is._

_That's why I'm writing you this letter, so its there in black and white for you to see, for the times I make you question it, when I turn on you and shout at you, which I know undoubtedly I will, I hope this letter will serve as some kind of reminder to you of the woman who loved you, who still loves you even when she no longer knows it._

_I know I've strayed somewhat from the question at hand. It's happening more and more often as well, I go off on a tangent and then forget my reasoning; forget what I was talking about to begin with. At least with a letter I can go back to the beginning, right? If I could relive one moment? One memory I never want to forget? Firstly, I'm going to be honest, I'm trying my damnest not to forget any of them, but if I had to choose, I couldn't choose just one, for me there's no way I can decide between these memories so here goes, my five most sacred memories._

_Our first kiss, we'd finished at the same time, you offered me a ride home. We were talking, laughing, reminiscing, we'd been through what, at the time, felt like a rough patch, our friendship suffering but we were coming out the other side together. You pulled up at my apartment, it was snowing outside, that beautiful, soft, drifting snow, the kind that just melts on your tongue. As I went to get out you leant across and kissed me. Just a kiss, but oh what a kiss. It was the way every first kiss should be, slow, gentle, loving, a kiss against a backdrop of snow, and I'm sure I could hear music playing in my ears. It was a kiss that spoke of promises, of hope, of love._

_When I told you I was pregnant. We'd talked about having kids, as most couples do, but it was always sometime in the future, never now. When I realised, I was scared that it was too soon, that you weren't ready. It was only a couple of years after your accident, you'd come along way, we both had, but this, this was something so big, I wasn't sure we'd cope. I tried not to make a big deal of it, just let the news slip out over dinner, you've always been such a good cook, it puts my pathetic attempts to shame, do you remember... sorry, I digress. I just let the news slip out over dinner and then I watched your face. I don't think I've ever seen your eyes shine so bright as they did that night, that and the smile on your face as you pulled me out of my seat and kissed me senseless put my fears to rest. No one's ever ready for parenthood but we were as ready as anyone._

_The first time you held our daughter in your arms. I was fighting the overwhelming urge to close my eyes and sleep but there you were, cradling her in your arms, unable to take your eyes of her, as if she was the most precious thing in the world to you. You looked across at me and smiled and my world was complete. You two were my everything then, and you always will be, even if the time comes when I no longer remember your names._

_I know when I sat down to write this that there were five moments that I never wanted to forget, five memories that I wanted to share with you but for the life of me I can't remember what the fourth one was. I'm scared Ray, so scared that one day soon they'll all be gone, and then what will I have?_

_My fifth was one night at our first apartment, we hadn't been roomies long, I doubt you could even say we were friends then. We'd agreed to work opposite shifts so that we never had to see each other, but that didn't last long. I was watching some rubbish on the TV when I heard you shouting my name. I followed your voice and found myself standing in the doorway to the bathroom. You had a gig that night, hence the change of shifts, and you were standing there all ready to go, wearing the usual ripped jeans, grungy ripped t-shirt, an array of leather and studs, hair gelled into spikes, eyeliner applied, my eyeliner may I add. I couldn't work out why you'd called for me until you handed me the bottle of black nail varnish, for some reason that night you were incapable of applying your own. We sat there, you perched on the closed toilet seat, me on the edge of the bath and I painted your nails, and we talked. I don't know why that memory sticks so fast in my mind; perhaps it's where I see our friendship, our relationship beginning, those 10 minutes or so in that bathroom, I don't know._

_I was going to be naughty and sneak in a sixth memory, but I've still no recollection of the fourth so I guess this will just complete the set. If you really forced me to, if I could only relive one, this would be the one I would choose to live over again. It was Christmas 2007, I'd just got off a flight from Chicago where it had been bitterly, bitterly cold; I was weary, drained, weighed down by too many layers, in desperate need of a shower and a cup of tea, but I forgot all that as I walked into the arrivals hall and you were standing there, standing there in front of me. I was so overwhelmed that I just stood still, tears running down my face as you made your way across. You told me later that you'd wanted to surprise me, you certainly did. I don't know if I ever told you how proud of you I was that day, or how proud I've been every day since, if I haven't, I should have. I can't ever begin to imagine how difficult those first few months must have been for you, you sheltered me from your pain, and I know that there have been many hard times since, and again I'm sure that I don't know the full extent of them, but you've never let it stand in your way, you've never used it as an excuse, and that just made me, if it was even possible, love you more. That's the one moment I hope I never forget._

_If I was being greedy, and I am I know, but humour me please, I'd ask to relive every touch, every word, every kiss, every 'I love you' over and over so that they're branded on my mind, so that no one can take them away, so that I can never forget. I hope you never forget._

_Maybe one day you'll sit and tell me tales of our younger days and I'll think what a fool that girl was to let you slip away not once but twice, and I hope that I'll think that at least she didn't let you go a third time. You have to know that if I had the choice I'd never let you go again, and I'm scared that some time in the not so distant future I'm going to wake up and there'll be a stranger in my bed, a stranger's arms wrapped tight around me and I won't know who you are. That scares me more than anything._

_Forgive me, my love, for whatever I say or do when that time comes, know that it's not the real me talking, know that I never meant you any pain, and please never forget how much I love you. I wish I could promise you the same._

_All my love_

_Neela_


End file.
